A Bad Dating Gem!

Egads!  When looking for my self-review for work, I found this little gem that I submitted to The Chicago Reader last year, responding to their request for bad dating stories.  The sad thing is that I forgot about all 3 of these instances (even though they are hilarious) - which further proves just how terrible & traumatizing the dating scene is.  Enjoy.

This is 1 week in the life of a single 30-something.

Last Saturday night a guy I was set up with met me out at a bar.  Let's call him J.  I had met J exactly once, on a casual drinks date a few days earlier.  The first thing out of his mouth on Saturday (after pleasantries were exchanged) was "I shaved my balls tonight."  Excuse me?  Pardon?  WTF?  Who says that?  I was very put off and didn't really know what to say- but don't worry.  He elaborated.  For approximately  5 minutes.  Guys, take a note.  That is WAY too much information.  Keep your grooming habits to yourself & you have a better chance of a girl finding out for herself what's happening in that arena.

The following Wednesday I was on a first (blind) date with a different guy.  He brought absolutely nothing to the table and I had a tough time staying awake.  I wasn’t acting like my usual sparkly self because, really, why bother.  Towards the end of drinks (we had 2) we were finally talking about something that I found interesting, and I became more animated. 

He said to me that as I became drunker, my accent came out and I was more “Jewy”. 

There are so many things wrong with that statement that it’s hard to know where to begin. 

1.       I wasn’t drunk.  I had 2 beers.  You were just boring. 

2.       I don’t have an accent.  Dummy. 

3.       Do not refer to a Jewish person as “Jewy.”  It’s insulting and makes you sound ignorant.

FAIL.

The next night I went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday.  A very handsome man approached me at the bar and was flirting with me.  I (obviously) flirted back.  We chatted for awhile and were becoming more comfortable around each other.  He apparently thought this vibe gave him the freedom to say anything, and he gently touched the back of my head and said “Does your mother know you did this to your hair?” 

Um, come again?  Are you insinuating that my very short, stylish pixie haircut is heinous?  The kicker to this guy is that I think he’s married!  Here is why I suspect that – you be the judge. 

A.            He’s older (late 30s) and very good looking

B.            He was dressed in a dapper manner

C.            He smokes & was acting cagey about it (I bet his wifey doesn’t approve – neither do I)

D.            He pulled out his iphone to get my number and fiddled around with it for awhile, before saying that it wasn’t working.  He asked me to write my number on a cocktail napkin.

Ergo, married.

And people wonder why I’m single.